The Avatarian - 26th September 2004

Frogs go splat in the microwave
We all know it

Jimmy

When reading a rather unscrupulous magazine involving waffle irons, a strange thought occurred to me; what happens when you put a frog in a microwave? Soon I found myself travelling across Middle-East Asia in search for the legendary Frog of Bam-Bam Legoogle, a slightly less legendary and more than a little crumpled (rather dishevelled, even) celophane. After retrieving the Bam-Bam frog through many an amusing and exciting adventure featuring all kinds of treacherous characters, more than one of them being Sean Connery, I returned to my microwave which, unfortunately, no longer existed since a pack of oddly shaped wolves had visited in the night and stolen my eyeballs.

So I went to somebodies house, I don't know whose, and put the frog in their microwave. The frog began to hop about a bit and looked rather innocent, so I turned on hte microwave. Watching that funny little being of nature spinning around, his eyes balled in terror, croaking desperately as his innards began to bleed and prepare to explode, makes me laugh even now. After a few seconds, it went splat in the microwave.

We all knew frogs go splat in the microwave, but now we know it.

WRITE AN ARTICLE

Caesar

In considering the question, WRITE AN ARTICLE, I both agree and disagree. I agree, in the sense I am *writing* an article, but I disagree in that the use of capitals is inappropriate considering the situation, i.e. following the Mao Zedong format.

Of course, this has recieved much criticism. Once described as 'Stalin, but asian.' and 'A tiny blossom of Marxism', Mao's early life was dominated by his personality and physical form. There's no denying he was quite fat, but does this affect the way we, as the modern discerning public, should criticise him? This reporter thinks yes, not only was he fat, but he had funny looking eyebrows and a beauty wart. No wonder I choose to call him Mao-NASE. Also he had political beliefs and brought China into an era of prosperity and a viable world power, but let's all ignore this.

More importantly, after all time is only an attempt to measure an abstract concept, why didn't little German children throw coins and stones off the Hindenburg whilst over New York, maiming people and damaging cars and buildings and more people? What else were they up to? Doesn't this pose a greater German question about the German culture of German social standerds of juvenile German behavour in the 1930's and our modern standards? Has globalisation, geographic erosion, extinion of the wild fox in Britian or global warming (the amphimortic killer) lead to this disturbing social trend? Or is it, as this reporter assumes, the other way around? Has the change in German juvenile social standards since the 1930's led to these monumental enviromental problems? In fact, by using this same argument, every problem of today can be linked to the German children on the Hindenburg.

This is clever Doctor Sage. Who loves to visit London Zoo; he watches monkeys in their cage and writes down everything they do. In turn, the monkeys, curiously, examine Doctor Sage; pull down the tab and you will see this scholar in a rage. To quote the Banjo, 'If they'd dine with him, and they said, 'Hurrah!' But there wasn't a drop in the whiskey jar...'

Global Warming: The amphimortic killer.

Hats are not just an item of clothing

Jimmy

Ebola Virus Man woke up one morning to find he was doused from head to foot in motor oil. Fumbling for the bedside phone he was consumed by a giant John Travlota doll. Meanwhile, in the land of This Isn't Related To The Article But This Wasn't Exactly What I Had In Mind In The Other Thread there was a funny little man who was this day pondering what kind of idiot would name a land something like that. This was considered by the land's comittee to be a failed article because nobody wanted to write it. But then the comittee realised that the lack of enthusoism was actually enormous in magnitude but negative, so without further ado everyone began to wear hats. An anti-hat protestor by the name of Hatty McHat Hat appeared and threw hats at everyone. The police arrived on the scene and took him away to Alcatraz Jr. which was just off the coast of Florida.

EI hits the big screen
What's EI?

Ed Master

World renowned novelist T. E. Master has finally confirmed the Hollywood rumours that a motion picture of his bestselling novel Elephant Island has been given the go ahead.

In a press release ending years of speculation the literary genius revealed that with some help from Sir Godfrey of Bouillon he had finished converting his work into a movie script; “about a month ago.”

Master said there were no concrete decisions as to which company would be producing EI but did say that “Dreamworks and Paramount have given me some very nice offers and Twenty-Ninth Century Elephant is looking pretty good.”

Other sources indicate Hollywood heavyweights Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg have been professing their interest in producing this film for years.

When asked who he had in mind to direct the movie or take the coveted leading roles Master replied “I haven’t really thought through it yet. Everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Julia Roberts has told me they want to be in on it but I don’t want a big name taking over EI, we dragged some bum in off the street though and he looks like he might have would it takes to be one of the Guys.

Production is expected to start soon; and the movie should be released sometime in the next twelve months.

EVM: Answering questions since before you were born.

The Ebola Virus Man Column

Ebola Virus Man

Hello and welcome to this month's E.V.M. Column. I'm Ebola Virus Man, and I'll be answering everyone's questions. This month's batch is somewhat more interesting than the last, because this one exists.

Trundler97 writes: hi, ebola virus man! i know you must have a really busy schedule but i hope you can find time to answer my questions, but if you cant that's Ok. i have a cat called franky, but recently it died. in its will it says it wanted to be cremated, but i dont have any matches, what do i do? i hope you can answer soon because its really starting to smell bad in my box.

A: Well Trundler, this is a problem everyone must face at some point in their life, not excluding myself. I suggest you buy a bigger box, lock your dead cat inside it, and throw it into a bin. Once the night falls the hobos will come and burn it for heat.

Killnick writes: Hello, ok i have 2 questions. 1 how much do you all look like the real peopple versions, if your all really real that is, i think if your real thenthat would be realy cool. 2 where are jimmy and amber when they are at the computer and why are they always together?

A: Some of us look like the real person the character is based on, others do not. Nearly everyone is at least roughly proportionally accurate. As Jimmy has informed me the only people he's managed to get looking reasonably accurate to the real person are John, Helen, Alex and Amber. As for your second question, usually they are in Jimmy's house but on Amber's birthday comic they are in Amber's house. And they're always together because they're dating.

Tab writes: here we GO! 1, when or how dose amber know how to fly a plane
2 why did jimmy sweat shirt change from a horse shoe to three lines
3 if there was to be an avatar sound track what would be on it
4 what is up with ceasar's hat
why dose it make everthing shadey?
and the porrage is the porrage safE??!

A: 1: She doesn't.
2: It was actually an Omega not a horse shoe, and it's two lines not three, but the jumper's symbol changed (along with the colour) because Jimmy decided he didn't like the old version and made a new, greener, one. With a hood.
3: That's an excellent question, and we think it would sound something like this.
4: Now this question I can't quite answer as it will be explained later in the comic, but let's just say it has something to do with another dimension. And the porridge, well, no the porridge is not safe. That's why he needs the perfect utencil.

Well, that's it for this month's E.V.M. column. Be sure to send your questions to ebolavirus@the-avatar.com and they'll be answered next issue.

Master's guns are blazing, but not hitting
The face at least

Chief Political Columnist
Leon Master

Only a week old and Theodore E.L.E.P.H.A.N.T Master’s “vote me or die,” campaign seems to be falling flat on its face. Political polls conducted over the weekend shows Master has only managed to secure support of 10% of voters surveyed favoured him as the next president.

The polls results show Don Eider leading the way with 42% support, strengthening his lead over second place contender Mike M. Mousse, currently sitting on 38% support.

The larger part of Master’s supporters described themselves as environmentalists or civil liberterians, one stating he supported his campaign because “we need to get rid those damn native animals and replaced them with good old fashion elephants,” and another saying “Master’s got my vote because he’s a brutal, tyrannical, dictator, the type of people America has persecuted for far too long.”

In a press conference given from campaign headquarters Master confirmed his economic policies were unchanged by the latest opinion polls proudly telling the world; “if I am elected, I vow I will do everything in my power to increase corruption in the government.”

Likewise his stance on crime was unchanged, “I make no secret of this, after I am elected, if I am elected, all persons or non-persons who failed to vote for me will be apprehended, arrested and promptly executed in the manner found to be most enjoyable to my loyal voters as a spectator sport.”

By Sir Godfrey of Bouillon

Artwork may not be used or reproduced without permission.