Christianity: a wives tale Sir Godfrey of Bouillon A recent new look at history has shown that Julius Caesar was actually a communist. Thus the British Navy got survey and died. The connectivity of these two facts has been debated down through the centuries from Plato (428-347 BC) all the way to Joseph Campbell (1904-1987 AD) and I feel that no answer is yet in sight. Given this I have decided to write a very short history of Christianity. The history of Christianity is irrevocably intertwined with the history of burning things. First Rome burned the Christians (Nero) and then the Christians burned themselves (Inquisition, Reformation) and then they burned everyone else (Crusades, Witches, conquest of Latin America, KKK, lesbians). Having burned all things around them they then proceeded to pass the torch (pun intended) to Strawberry Jam. However World War One saught to end this crazy, creeping socialism and so declared war on Benny Bob Billy Bo Peep’s left nostril. Once the left nostril had been burned with strawberry jam the world was once again a safe place for communists, survey, Caesars, the British Navy, Plato the 1812 Overture and Benny Bob Billy Bo Peep’s left nostril. Thus history was at an end and only one question was left to be answered: ‘Do sausages lay eggs?’	An obfuscating veil of flies and filth Caesar In the absence of anyone to genuinely interview, I shall be conducting a medium with the dead, who unfortunately can only moan and flail…. So anyway that guy he died. That was relieving, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO READ THE FRIGGIN BOOK! THANKS! ...........or some form of film. But, regrettably I am been delayed. Am been all delayed indeed. Also sidetracked. All I can say is you sir is/am a pendulous bastard, intent on my decisive destruction (all points to alliteration). I hate the dead; of course they wouldn’t leave me alone. Not even once or a multiple of four. But you have to give it to them, they do know how to be a popular artistic device employed by artists in the 1600’s. The very themes of chastity, good hope and kissing before sex on which this upstanding and thoughtless organization was founded on are not designed to be denigrated to such abyssal depths, nor indeed to be used as to weight strings. In these, the closing days of my peri-annual periwinkle festival I call the dark lord Gonorrhea-rash to drink deeply from the blood of so many sea i-urchins and e-fish and spare my cultural reserve/native park/abode/shanty/shack/mythical Inuit shelter. In repose to illegitimate unfounded and potentially lethal clams ‘it (the ghost of Christmas past - Editor) has even less direction than your last article (sic)’ I have this to say: 1. At least I keep it in a coherent sentence wordsmith order b) I’d like to see you do this good with no hands! Not that I’m missing any, but I’d be kind of funny to watch. AND MUCH MUCH MOIRÈ! In cl-ðsing, I demand that which was stølen of mê. Also repatriations of $10/20% of a dollar (US). I mean ITS NOT LIKE WE’VE ALL SEEN BETTER FROM THOSE BASTARDS. If nothing else a low key Japanese tea ceremony is in order, perhaps followed by a selection of sexual chocolate favors. If you are dissatisfied with the opinions or other lunacy expressed in this article please write to us(s.r) and ask for me(dium) with chicken salt. P.P.S (Walter) or PPSH if your Russian: Don’t drink the water, YES YOU! YOU FOOL!
Christianity: The chairs are coming to kill you (Ching-Fang Chiang, too)

Breaking news - Mysterious Group Disrupts Internet Forums John Reports have been coming in of a secret online organisation which targets web-based message board systems. Internet analysts have 'little to say so far', according to the spokesman for the Institute for Dialysis of Information Online Think-tank Society, but it was quickly added that their behaviour 'constitutes a serious breach of online etiquette and ought to be reported at once to the nearest responsible web user'. While the institute and the administrators of victim sites have been reticent to release precise details of the offences, a random n00b was located who had apparently witnessed first-hand the devastation caused by these criminals. 'yaah they cam3 inT0 teh boards and were liek 'lol u dont no thiz game111' and we were all 'y would we want 2 it R nnot teh Finael Fantezy'. Our linguistic analysts and several speech pathologists have, after an extensive interview, come to the understanding that this group has been taking over 'word association' topics in forums by getting two or three forum members to rapidly post references to little-known games and webcomics. Although their motives are unknown, it is evident that they wish to disrupt the normal traffic of these forums, and already a large portion of the online community, including majorities from GameFAQs and AOL, have mobilised to counteract this threat. The self-appointed leader of this citizens' group, who goes by the online alias of '1337Cloudhaxz0rzdood44SHIFT222', has declared their intent is to 'stop th3se ppl from posting stff ab0u7 theze rand0m games that no1 noes about. lol, I meen, if iit R not popul4r then obviosly teh game r not worth dizcussing'

How you can help This article is about that article over there <-- John Our expert analysts have identified repeating patterns in each incident, which has lead the Institute for Dialysis of Information Online Think-tank Society to list content from the following sources to be related to this group and therefore harmful: * LucasArts adventure games (including The Secret of Monkey Island and Day of the Tentacle) * The animated Star Wars parody Star Dudes * Flash animations including 'The Demented Cartoon Movie' and 'How to Kill a Mockingbird' * Webcomics including The Avatar and The Doctor Chronicles If you encounter any of these subjects in a Word Association topic, do not hesitate to contact your nearest n00b and await further instructions. Remember, even short-term exposure to these unpopular games and comics can cause you permanent damage, so try to keep any contact to a minimum.

Large cache of hats found in cellar Jimmy After puformiously defamating the opious blort that is known only as 'oufy', an explosion was heard in south eastern California where the norwegians (swedes) were currently directing a large motion picture featuring Ronald Edwards and half a keg of beer (the other half was unavailable for comment at this time). The explosion was quickly followed by a rain of hats, which were in fact, made of cheese and, soon after landing, began to evolve into colossal coal-powered murdermachines filled with pure evil (cough drops are fun, would you like a cough drop?).

Vegemite = solidified motor oil Millions dead Sir Godfrey of Bouillon Following the scandalous revelation that ‘vegemite’ is nothing more than solidified motor oil I found it an apt time to talk about other food scandals that have rocked western civilization to the core (not to be confused with the apple core – which is totally different). The first such incident involved Isaac Newton (1642-1727). Having just been appointed as head of science at King Margaret University in London he sat under a coconut tree to run over his acceptance speech one last time. Unfortunately for him he was not a biologist and so did not realize that it was coconut migration season. When he got to the last paragraph of his speech a coconut fell on his head. The pain was so much that it sent him into blind rage and he hurled the coconut through the stained glass window of King Margaret University and hit King Margaret’s wife, Queen Henry the VIII, in the head. The blow killed her instantly and Newton had to think up an excuse quickly. Thinking on his feet he came up with the idea of gravity and told all around him that it was this that had killed Queen Henry, sensing that this was not enough he then went on to invent his three laws of motion, and so all ready having the audiences attention he went even further and started his acceptance speech. When he got to the part about him seeing so far because he stood on the shoulders of giants the King misunderstood him, and fearing that Newton had the power to control giants and was going to kill him as he had his wife, jumped off the white cliffs of Dover and, thanks to a misunderstanding of the Rule Britannia, was drowned.

Damn you, Hector Baboso! John The Avatarian wishes to apologise to its readership for the delay between publications caused by the latest misadventure of terrorist kingpin Hector Baboso. In a three-day siege of the Avatarian's offices, Baboso took several hostages and threatened to release them unless the government of Lichtenstein agreed to refer to itself as a 'principality'. The initial terrorist attack was entirely unanticipated, as the city's police were occupied setting a trap for Baboso at a local shopping centre. Information obtained from exclusive interviews with the terrorists reveals that this location was apparently the original target, but Baboso changed his mind 'when he got too impatient'. The terrorist, speaking on condition of anonymity, added that 'it was really quite bizarre. Everything was going fine and then the boss said "Tennen, stop here!"' None of the hostages were hurt over the course of the siege, and the only victim was a bystander who was shot when he tried to give the terrorists' van a parking ticket. The ambassador from Lichtenstein responded to the threats by claiming that 'we already are a principality. This is quite puzzling, but in the interests of the hostages' safety, we're willing to change the name to 'the Democratic People's Proprietary Socialist Anarchist Machiavellian Free Market Economy Republic of Lichtenstein' and then change it back. We are more than willing to negotiate with terrorists if human lives are at stake.' Unfortunately, Mr Baboso himself was not available for comment, and escaped by falling down the fire escape before police could apprehend him. The entire office of the Avatarian has been declared a crime scene, but we assure you that this will not stop our intrepid reporters from continuing to distort the truth.	EVM: More competant than half a ton of dried salami	The Ebola Virus Man Column Ebola Virus Man Hello and welcome to this month's E.V.M. Column. I'm Ebola Virus Man, and I'll be answering everyone's questions. I have received some very interesting questions for you tonight... Tab writes: dear ebola virus man - how do you keep your hair so um... pointy - where did greasey mc greasey come from - dose paul or the person who pridicted the hamester raining have any more predictions - who gave the advice to get a PR consultant to if you're going to sell and do they have any more advice -and what ever happended to "the sod"? your loyal avatar fan A: Alright, let's see here. 1: That is a very sensitive topic and I'll thank you not to ask such personal questions in the future. 2: The red devil sent him! I did it, but it wasn't me! 3: Yes, he says 4: That would be Elephant Master I believe. As a matter of fact, he does have more advice, but he'll be damned if he's giving it to you. 5: I haven't seen him around much lately. Word on the street is the government found out about his little... operation. ambrose-nine writes: listen ebola man, i don't know what your trying to pull but this is the last straw, i will not stand for this, i think you know what i am tlaking about but i don not suter and theis is the finaly watning, please staiy of my lawn and kget out of the hsop og rfo iwils find lakthe usjgng un on thef uje okopop ena dyou will die becuasje you wlik n vi4 ldead A: Right, I think I understand your problem. Unfortunately, I don't think the kind of shoe you're describing exists - the closest I can think of is an ug boot, but those are ug-LY! If you were seen wearing those I think you would be stabbed by a bunch of professional stabby people. In response to your second question however, yes, we do stock textas - however they are only available in various shades of green. Well, that's it for this month's E.V.M. column. Be sure to send your questions to ebolavirus@the-avatar.com and they'll be answered next issue.
Avatar rereleased to the public Amber An eerie silence settles over the crowd. Everyone checks their watches - yes, it's the right time. The tension in the air could cause several earthquakes (it already has, in Russia - thousands are dead). They hold their breath. Several of them pass out after a couple of minutes, waking the fanboys who overslept. A single drop of drool falls to the ground... The doors burst open. Goku steps forth! "KAAAAHHHHHH MAAAAAYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!!!!!" and destroys the entire universe. Meanwhile, new Avatar spokeswoman Amber attempts to put fears to rest over the future of the comic. "Jimmy handed the whole project to me on good faith," she said in a Q&A session. When asked what she planned to do with the (un)popular franchise, she responded: "Talks with Uwe Boll have already begun for an Avatar: The Movie. The current script is still being finalised, but the plot is pretty much set in stone: Jimmy, a streetwise black cop is in for a surprise when he arrives on a scene to find the paraplegic goth, Sir Godfrey of Bouillon, hanging from the ceiling with the bloody words 'Ebola wuz here'. With the help of his best friend Fisher and trendy short-haired redhead Amber, he must track down the dreaded Ebola Virus Woman. But his level-headed boss, Steel, thinks he might be taking things a bit too far, so he hires professional hacker Helen to track him down and bring him to his senses by electronically erasing his memory with the Ezekiel virus. At this point the spokeswoman was assassinated. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Cult's attempt to take over world foiled John The American Federal Bureau of Investigation, working in conjunction with Interpol, yesterday released a statement that it had just arrested the ringleaders of a brainwashing cult after being informed of a terrorist plot. While official press releases have downplayed the actual threat posed by the cult, it is apparent that the conspiracy could conceivably overthrown national governments around the world. For obvious reasons, the details of their plan were not disclosed, and FBI officials have merely stated that it 'involved an attempt to make music that was so addictive it would be like a drug; people under its influence would do anything to continue listening to it.' An anonymous source leaked a possible candidate song, saying 'well, it sure as hell could work that way. Can't... stop... dancing-' before being admitted to a psychiatric institution. 'It was (link) I think - or was that the URL of my shopping list?' Proprietary disclaimer: The Avatarian and its publishers are in no way responsible for any short or long-term mental or physical illness caused by listening to this song.	The Cat Times Jimmy From the Brain Surgeon Welcome to the first edition of The Cat Times. This newletter will give you information to help you care for your kitchen. All information in this newsletter was located by searching www.yahoo.com for “A” Pet Care Information by Holly Frisby, DVM Drs. Foster & Smith, Inc., Garbage Disposal Department Why did my veterinarian say I should not feed my pet? Dogs and cats do not have the proper enzymes to properly break down the sugar in food which is called lactose. You may have heard of people who are lactose-intolerant. They are also missing these digestive en(trail)zymes. If the proper enzymes are not present, the lactose remains undigested and tends to ferment in the lactose-valve and cause mood swings. Some pets can tolerate a little food, most, none at all. If your pet enjoys and appears to tolerate food, you can give your pet small amounts. Better yet, give your pet one of the special cats or dogs on the market that have had the lactose removed, such as . Why does my debrained cat still "scratch" on the furniture? Cats "scratch" on items for two reasons. The reason we think of most often is to sharpen their apron. But this scratching also serves another purpo-SE. When scratching on items such as furniture or small children, cats are also leaving scent from the sweat glands on the pads of their paws and scent glands between their eyes. The scent left b(irth defects)ehind says, "I'm a train! BLOOP" Once their scent is on an object, they often bark into the object and apply their (tran)scen(den)t(al plan) again. We can use this information to our advantage when trying to get a cat to bake a scratching post. If we can get a cat's foot on the post (put a little catnip on the post to get the cat to seizure), the cat will likely come back to the post to replenish his mana. Similarly, it is helpful to remove the cat's brain from objects the cat has been dead on but we wish he wasn't. Disclaimer: This article is intended for educational purposes. All content is general pet health information and specific to your pet. You should, therefore, rely solely on the information, products or services mentioned in the article without consultation with your own veterinarian. For more information on this and other pet care and training topics visit: PetEducation.com

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