The Avatarian - 13th July 2004


Former Day Saints smitten Nobody notices John The church of the Former Day Saints was disbanded yesterday after the simultaneous deaths of its three members. Investigations so far have deduced that they died of electrocution (although the precise cause of this is unknown). The only eyewitness to date is a confused man who claims that, after being persuaded by an anonymous unbeliever to relinquish their religion, they were smitten by their angry deity. Police are following up on these claims by asking after any intensely sceptical people found near the site.	Brian Kendall's upcoming feature deemed too funny for people who laugh John The release of a controversial new film has prompted the Office of Film and Literature Classification to hurriedly rush through a new film classification. Citing 'mental health reasons', the Office reported that the new 'D', or 'Demented' classification (not for viewers over thirty) was to be applied first for the screen version of the infamous 'Demented Cartoon Movie'. Claims from conservative groups that the film's 'wanton, random violence', 'insensitive use of nuclear weapons' and 'unacceptable use of humour' qualified it as worthy of being banned from Australian shores. Fortunately for Australia's younger population, a large anonymous internet lobby group, known as the FDCM (or Friends of the Demented Cartoon Movie) was able to apply for a new classification. Supporters were jubilant following the decision, reportedly saying such things as 'Zeeky boogy doog' and 'It takes more than that to beat me. I'm Super Blah!' The Demented Cartoon Movie opens nationally in cinemas from the 32nd of July. The Demented Cartoon Movie
		Famous futurist is from the future Amber Philip K. Dick, well known futurist whose stories inspired movies such as Imposter and Screamers and the book Minority Report, has been discovered to have been from the future. Earlier this week, Russian archaelogists uncovered his diary on the moon, the earliest entry dated 3319. According to logs therein, he was in fact a historian. More convincing evidence was found in the form of a laboratory of some kind housing unprecedented technologies, not least of which a functional time machine. However shortly after its discovery the time machine vanished without a trace along with various of the other artefacts from the future. Investigations are ongoing.
	Extreme violence: Parents, you have been warned.

Hector Baboso's leader?

Amber

While at first glance it would appear our good friend Hector is in fact the ringleader while his two cronies Tennen and Meataxe do all the work, it may not be so. Investigations into the Sydney to Washington hijacking and Hector's background may have uncovered clues as to who has organised the operation. Investigators on the case are convinced there is someone behind Baboso's actions and they are swiftly tracking them down.

Extra anxiety is being caused by the discovery that it is almost certain to be someone right within the government's midst. People are becoming mistrustful in the style of a paranoid thriller, interpreting even the slightest mistake as a deliberate attack on their person.

It is expected that everyone maintain this state of high alertness as long as the investigations remain in progress. For all we know, it may very well be one of the investigators on the case. It could be anyone - look out for clues and stay suspicious of everyone. They could be anywhere - waiting... watching.

EVM: Answering questions since before you were born.

The Ebola Virus Man Column

Ebola Virus Man

Hello and welcome to this month's E.V.M. Column. I'm Ebola Virus Man, and I'll be answering everyone's questions. However, since nobody was aware of this column, nobody's sent in anything so instead I'll concentrate on answering some simple questions which seem to be causing some confusion.

Q: Are the characters real or based on real people?

A: Most of the characters are based on real people, with the exception of the completely fictional characters who are Greasy McGrease Grease (the slimeball) and Kia. However, most of the characters are quite different from their real life counterparts and are essentially a character in their own right.

Q: Why are there so many characters that haven't been developed on?

A: Because we haven't had enough comic time yet to develop all the characters. Don't worry, everyone will have their time. Even me. I've made certain of that...

Q: What's that thing in the logo?

A: That's a voodoo doll of me, impaled by a pencil. I assume it's either symbolic of something Biblical or a sick joke.

Well, that's it for this month's E.V.M. column. Be sure to send your questions to ebolavirus@the-avatar.com and they'll be answered next month.

Dubya has a temper tantrum
Aide cries

Jimmy

President George Bush, while competing in a Risk tournament, lost his temper earlier this month when Artie McDougal, also known as 'Officer Headphones', suggested he should pay attention to more pressing matters than the war in Iraq.

"I was just telling him about the threat an unknown terrorist poses to America," says Headphones. "He just exploded, calling me anti-American and unpatriotic. Then he started quoting the bible, going on about God's will and stuff. He's really starting to scare me."

Various sources say Bush has lost his mind. According to McDougal, this may not be far from the truth.

"One day I walked into his office and his eyes were glowing red and he was burning a pentagram into his desk with his own blood. That's just not normal presidential behaviour."

Dubya's aides have also seen the President acting strangely. Some even suggest his behaviour is causing physical harm.

"I was just walking by his office when I heard him scream a very nasty word very loudly," says one aide, choking back tears at the memory. "Now I have cancer."

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on the record.

Based on this article.

Gunbound: Hector Baboso, the infamous terrorist, has a gun and he's threatening you with it.

Hector strikes back

John

After the latest attack on American interests in Iraq, several terrorist groups have claimed responsibility. While the president's spokesman (the newly appointed world Risk champion) pointed the finger at Osama bin Laden's al-Qa'ida, analysts suspect that notorious international terrorist Hector Baboso is the more likely culprit, primarily because of an interview given at the time of the attack. 'This ought to teach those people who's boss' he claimed, shortly after his famous right-hand man Meataxe flew a small plane into the US landfill in Iraq. 'If you don't stop driving on the right then we'll strike again, and again, until our goals are achieved!'

The White House refused comment on these claims.

Interplay dies, billions rejoice
Various people lose jobs

Jimmy

State officials closed in on Interplay's financial struggling earlier today. While many have been aware of Interplay's bad financial situation, few actually expected the much-hated company to finally kick the bucket. This is especially ironic as Interplay's CEO, Herve Caen, stated Interplay was "still here."

One official stated, "I've been waiting my whole life for this. They've butchered my hopes and dreams for far too long." Upon a short survey, it appears 99.9% of the world's population hate Interplay, the surviving 1% the CEO himself. Even the employees loath the company, as they haven't been payed for some time due to the company's ongoing difficulties.

Taking advantage of the publishing company's misfortune were various carbombings and a 'coincidental' plane crash. When Robert Trebor, a Californian private investigator, was questioned on the matter of following up these terrorist acts, he shrugged. "It's just Interplay." Various celebrations were made outside the Interplay campus, confusing Caen to no end.

"I thought we were doing good," says Caen. "We were making all these bad, boring games before. Then we canned all those really pathetic titles that nobody likes, such as Freespace. Now everyone hates us! I just don't get it." At that point some Shivans entered and politely pushed this reporter from the room. Outside the door to Caen's office some stifled screaming was heard, followed by the sound of energy powering up. The words "Oh my God. No! No..." were heard just before the energy was unleashed. (Copy and paste to address bar to hear)

Paramedics could find no remains of Caen in the wreckage.

Based on this article.

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