Travis Bavis Jimmy Now today we find a certain aire of luminescence in the air. The aire of Slytherin, one might say, but one would be a terrible terrible tragedy if that were so the case. No, indeed today we will be discussing freshness. As we all know, fresh food has been served for centuries as a delightfully health healthy dish. BUT NO MORE! In fact, several thousands of people die from freshness every day. We have even been receiving reports of teenagers spouting freshness all over the city block, killing thousands. So I will take the next logical step. I will construct a giant orbital cannon and wipe out all teenagers from outer space. Yes, it is them. We thought they were just a myth, a horrible urban legend that transformed into a cascade of flies and filth (not to be confused with a resonance cascade - which is totally different). Tomorrow begins the first beginning of our begin-session, where we will be hosting the next annual Death serenade of Winter. Guest-hosts include Tony Bradbur, William Sneeze and a delightful glass of wine with googly eyes. But I digress.	DIVERTING THE FLOW OF BLOOD FROM YOUR EYES And other uses of the common house-hold fork Caesar In the past, preposterously little to virtually nothing has been written on this topic. Anyone can see this, even you! Yes, you, the swarthy little man with the dazzling cornucopia of skin lesions. I can see you, watching me. YOUR EYES ARE LIKE TINY BLACK HOLES! I will cut you with a handheld electric knife. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZSSSSHHH, what pretty onomatopoeia! Palindrome, emordnilap – Has ANYBODY noticed this discrepancy? It regularly disgusts me, I shall be writing the local council representative about this. Meanwhile, back on topic, by careful application of the fork (some sporks maybe used, see packaging for details) into the eye-socket, below the eyeball, and with a careful twist, blood maybe diverted to the Doppler Sonography Transducer (as shown above). This allows your blood to be processed and graded, and exported to the United Kingdom. As we can see, this makes you tired, DON’T FIGHT IT, allow sleep to overcome you. You deserve it. If you are concerned about the blood loss or incessant desire to sleep, write to your GP. In the meantime, place your body face-down with your arms running parallel to your body, so that the body removal service may access your body without delay. Body removal is a lengthy and expensive process, why not save your community/family a large fee and sign up now for a free ‘Burning yourself for pleasure and love of the sport’. Forking can also cure stroke, loss of hearing, ability to feel emotions, your cold hard logic, grandma’s shiny new hip socket, that thing you found (it was gross and sticky and had probably been there for weeks! YUCK! You better have washed your hands. And I mean really well). But there’s still that nasty stain on the carpet, better call in the professionals. That’s right, carpet-stain-pyro-stunt-men. For the low low price of your middle finger, they’ll come around to your house and set themselves on fire, then roll around on the carpet. Mmmm, the juicy flavors of warm punctual stain removal. All in all, you have to consider that HOLY CRAP, some famous couple (I don’t follow such things) called their son Maddox…..WHAT THE HELL? <cough> But such breaks from my high impartial standards of nonsensical journalism are amoral and inappropriate! ON THIS NOTE, I will conclude, leaving you with some thoughts on the topics of hat cheese. Hat Cheese badamdedah HAAT CHEEESE
DSTS: Fall into its sweet embrace.

Don't Put That There The Way It Didn't Happen Jimmy More and more often these days I'm hearing the words 'Don't put that there!' shouted by angry old people. Now, I am beginning to wonder. What is it, exactly, that they do not wish to be put - furthermore, where is it that they do not wish would like to be put in the place that they don't like? I wonder. But more do I wonder about the sanDisk. Because one day, I looked on my desk, and it just wasn't there. Which made me think for a moment - maybe someone took it? On closer inspection, perhaps something more disturbing is at work. Think, for a moment, if you will, that there is a link between these two wildly different topics. What if, the thing that they would not like to be put in the place that they don't want it to be put is in fact the sanDisk? What if the place where they don't want it to be put is in fact MY DESK? Once I came to this realisation (because that is what it is, a realisation, not just wild speculation (that rhymed (lots of brackets))) I wrote a letter to the editor about it. But it wasn't just any editor, oh no - this editor was very special indeed. This was the editor of the universe. His name is Bob. Anyway, Bob aside, I woke up to a funny smell yesterday. It smelt like fresh bread. Looking out my window, I saw the terrible carnage that must have happened last night. Millions of people dead on the street, and I thought, goddamnit, where did I leave my car keys. Thankfully, I soon remembered - I don't have a car. I do have some keys though, but they go in a padlock that I lost a long time ago. And that was when I saw it. The place where that fresh bread smell had come from. There was some fresh bread at the top of the pile of corpses. My God, what have I done?

CIRCUMNAVIGATE The computer to discover Caesar Upon requisitioning some sage advice, I was bestowed with this quotation attributed to Pythagoras, ‘Do not eat your heart.’ That’s right, aside from his geometry, Pythagoras appeared to consider himself somewhat of a medical authority. How VERY insightful Pytho, that organ usually considered essential to life, don’t eat it. Well it’s good thing I was warned, I mean I was just about to saw through my ribcage and sup on it’s juicy goodness. On the topic of flesh-eating, you are the apple of my eye, the girth of my calf, and the bloody abrasion on my elbow. BAMN! Now, close your eyes. Without looking, what colour is the rope your grandmother is hanging from? Well, don’t worry, better luck next time. You should probably cut her down now, that floral print really clashes with your wall. Ultimately, however, you’re going to have to embalm her. There are some cheap deals on lamination, for the economically minded. Preserved in a sheath of impenetrable plastic for eternity, she will remain as dead as you remember her, untouched by the ages. While in the past lamination could be a lengthy and inconvenient process, it can now be quickly achieved with simple household items. First acquire the Laminex human-sock™ in the appropriate size (Note: if your loved one has died and been submerged in water or left un-refrigerated for a lengthy period of time, they may have bloated to many times their former size). These ‘socks’ are sold in all good newsagents. Place your loved one in the sock and simply iron them, it’s that simple. She’ll be as embarrassing and lasting as the stain on the kitchen chair when you wet yourself. Also, a good way to get guests to leave: ‘What is that weird statue?’ ‘That’s my Grandma. She died last year…. we had her laminated.’ Never-the-less, where-with-all is a useful attribute. Also seamanship. Yarrr….

IT ('S) I S A VERY HAP PY CHRIST MAS ?

Future Uncertain for Avatar Or is it? The Elephant Master Despite a slump in productivity and profitability which has lasted for much of the previous financial year the share price of completely useless and utterly incompetent Avatar Inc. has show record breaking rises gains for yet another quarter. When asked about the development Managing Director Ransom Arceihn* said: nothing, he resigned earlier this year. When reporters from The Avatarian asked Amber, the new Managing Director, she responded, “have you seen my keys? You help me look for my keys. Hey there they are, now what do you want? And how’d you get into my office? Oh yeah, the share stuff? It means that people are idiots. Now go away, I’m busy.” Highly respected economists have predict that the rise in pathetic companies which don’t do anything will continue provided they continue to do nothing and warn that government intervention could be required to ensure this does not change. They continue to say that if companies like Avatar inc. were to go broke and collapse it could trigger the loss of all it’s unpaid employees jobs and force them to enter the workforce, an economic disaster of the highest magnitude. Other highly respected economists predict that useless corporations would continue to succeed in the current economic climate and this growth would sustain itself best if the government did nothing to interfere. Government interference of any type could destroy the current markets and drive many such companies into bankruptcy. A less respected economist who doesn’t wear a suit but does manage to show a profit at the end of the year disagreed with both explanations and said: “these companies are a leech on modern society they should all be shot now before they become a bigger threat to our way of life.” *while this article was being written Ransom Arceihn was reinstated as managing director. His comments were unprintable and consisted mainly of words which do not appear in the English language.

Master's Presidency Showing Weakness Editor Throughout his uninspired presidency Theodore E. Master’s has consistently failed to produce the one thing which separates successful statesmen from the insignificant drones of public life. Sucking up to the media. His utter failure in the most important area of public service far outstrips whatever minor successes he may have had in economic management, foreign policy, health and education. Regardless of his ability to cut unemployment so low it’s now well into negative numbers or make America’s the best educated and healthiest people in the world he will not do what reporters tell him too. In a news conference completely populated by his own minions concerning the presidents refusal to pay any attention to them News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch revealed that “despite his success in turning the volatile, terrorist infested, war ridden collection of divided despotic nations that used to be the Middle East into a harmonious, peaceful, secure, beacon of democracy and freedom for the rest of the world to envy does nothing to make up for his utter ignorance of the global media, and I have no doubt that human stupidity and my interference will once again triumph by refusing to re-elect this man in 2008.” In Washington the only member of government who doesn’t have four legs and a trunk and hence is stupid enough to talk to a journalist has been reported to talk for a long time about something which had absolutely nothing to do with the questions he was asked.	EVM: Likes to dip his hair in tar.	The Ebola Virus Man Column Ebola Virus Man Hello and welcome to this month's E.V.M. Column. I'm Ebola Virus Man, and I'll be answering everyone's questions. It's not very interesting today. Ate writes: exquese me i was wondering, , what happned to the gods to put them in the dead gods place? i did pay attention but it didnt make much sense to me, so, i was just wundring if you could lay it out for me -ate ate your breakfast A: GIVE ME BACK MY BREAKFAST GODDAMNIT Also they stopped getting believed in because they were stupid. Treaty7 writes: Hey Ebola Virus Man I was just thinking do you have the Ebola Virus??? because that would explain your name, But if you don't then why is your name Ebola Virus Man?? A: What the hell gave you the idea that I had the ebola virus? Well, that's it for this month's E.V.M. column. Be sure to send your questions to ebolavirus@the-avatar.com and they'll be answered next issue.

LOCAL SPORTS TEAM WINS GAME The Elephant Master Yesterday a locally based sports team won a game of a sport the majority of this newspapers readers will not be capable of distinguishing from any other near identical sports, which fans of this particular sport do not find particularly impressive. The score changed randomly from fraction to fraction and from break of one variety to break of a different variety, apparently due to a series of conditions which while actually having almost no effect on the game itself did apparently cost the opposing team, from another place, the game, despite predictions from a variety of people who apparently know a great deal about this sport that they would defeat the local team, or not depending on who you asked at the time and whether they were fans of the local team or the other team. Apparently certain athletes performed better than other and are expected to receive huge media attention and massively increased salaries for the next series of games. However other players who did not perform well may face equal media attention but reduced salaries in the future. Apparently the winning team has a significant chance of doing quite well towards the end of this particular series of games which the losing team will probably not do as well unless it happens to win several of the next games it happens to play. People who are somehow involved with the winning team were all very happy and said the said team all played the game well. Their equivalents for the other team were not very happy and said this losing team played poorly. For more information about this game read a newspaper which has some interest in athletic activity and actually employs a person who is supposed to write things about sport and knows what happened during this game.	Hockey is mostly played within the Bermuda Triangle
	DEATH COMES TO US ALL The Elephant Master Tragedy befell the world of organised crime yesterday as the Annual World Criminal Convention the usual carefree relaxed atmosphere was shattered by the assassination of Alvin Sindaco (72) Chairman of the World Car Salesmen Union. Colleague and long time friend of Mr Sindaco Andrew Chang, President of the League of Asian Gangs released a statement on behalf of all senior criminals present at the convention. He said “we are all shocked and horrified at the events of the previous day. Though we have absolutely no idea who is responsible for this despicable act we intend to do everything in our power to find out and have already called in outside experts to assist discovering the perpetrators and bringing them to justice.” Already teams of investigators led by an unnamed man with an Australian accent, a funny hat and sandals are on the case to track down the killers. When asked for comment the unidentified person arrested and interrogated two journalists on the grounds they looked shifty. It was later determined that they knew absolutely nothing about the crime and were both shot dead for trying to aid the killers by wasting investigators time. Though despite the solemn occasion it is inevitable. The power vacuum created by the death of such an influential person will attract speculation about who has the power, influence and charisma to take on such a position. When asked deputy chairman of the WCSU responded “we all still in shock of Alvin’s loss, it will likely be days perhaps even months before we are prepared to even consider discussing his successor.” Else where at the convention it was partially business as usual with hundreds of criminals from international drug-lords to two bit thieves going about their lives and spending some time with their families. However the pall of Mr Sindaco’s death still hovers over the crowd.
It's Enough To Make You Vomit Jimmy A radar operator is tracking the movements of a ship. When she first notices the ship (at time t1) it is at A, 20 km south of her. An hour later (at time t2) it is at B, 15 km south and 10 km east of her. a) Draw a diagram showing the positions of the ship and radar station. b) Take the radar station as the origin, and write vectors giving the position of the ship at times t1 and t2. c) What is the average velocity of the ship (as a vector), in kilometres per hour, km h-1? d) The ship continues at a steady pace in the same direction. Write an expression for the displacement of the ship at any time t. e) 1 h after leaving B, what distance from the ship and in which direction is the radar station?
PEPPERMING We close this edition with something a little different. The Pepperming Chronicles is a text RPG. No, it's not about The Avatar, but it is rather silly and hopefully you'll get some enjoyment out of it. There will be another episode of Pepperming each issue, along with the walkthrough to the previous episode for those who couldn't figure it out (don't worry, it's not really very puzzley, just a bit obscure). Download Quest (to play it - 2.2 MB) Download Pepperming (use Quest to play this - 8k) Give feedback on Pepperming or this month's Avatarian at the forums.

The Avatar is copyright 2003-2005 James Firkins.

Artwork may not be used or reproduced without permission.